The Life Hammer

This, ladies and gentlemen, is a life hammer.

My mother bought it, well three of them, for me in case I ever drive my truck into a lake. That's right my overly paranoid mother is afraid I will submerge my truck underwater sometime in the next 18 months. She currently believes that the hammer is mounted somewhere in my truck right now, but I keep it in my room to prove to my friends who come over just how crazy she is.

What amazes me more than the fact that my mom bought the hammer is the magical powers it supposedly possesses. When I got the hammer I thought it was pretty straight forward, the pointy thing breaks the window while the razor cuts through your seat belt. According to the pictures on the box though it can do a lot more.

In case you can't tell that's a picture of a car flipped upside down, on fire, smashed into a wall, and driven into a lake...
How this small plastic hammer that any average squirrel could chew through is supposed to save you from all of these things I don't know. In fact it seems like more of a danger than anything else. Just think about it you're flying down the road at 60mph and hit a deer or something. Before life hammer you would have hit the air bag got a little bruised and life would have gone on normally. Now that you have your magic Jesus hammer if you get in a wreck there will be a lightweight double sided pointy hammer flying around the inside of your car with a blade on it. Best case scenario your new magic hammer ends up lodged in your gps or radio.

Thanks mom, but you can keep your hammer.

Capitalism: A love story

Have you seen this movie, too? It's very possibly the worst thing ever created. I watched it and quickly realized that when this movie was released we took a step backwards as a human race.

In case you haven't seen the movie I will give you a brief summary. I had no clue what It was until I watched it-

"Capitalism: A love story" is an extremely hypocritical documentary directed by this fat lard named Michael Moore. This first half of the movie just him going on and on about how capitalism is unfair and, him showing all these clips of people in poverty trying to blame in on capitalism. The second half of the movie is all about how Obama is supposed to be black Jesus or something along those lines, and why Goldman Sachs is the center of all evil.

The second half of the movie was also spent preaching about how we need to convert to Socialism.. yes fucking Socialism. For those of you who don't know our country has been fighting the war against socialism for quite a while now. Socialism is that thing where the government takes all your money and distributes it to the people who didn't earn it. While Capitalism is what we have where you are allowed to actually achieve something in your life time.

Here are some pictures to help compare and contrast Socialism and Capitalism:

Ok ok these pictures might not be anything more than a bunch of misleading bullshit but hey, that's all his movie is.

In the movie he rants about Capitalism and how awful it is, and how many people are homeless. He never once mentions what we have achieved through Capitalism though... do you honestly think all those companies would be striving to make every single one of their products better if they weren't going to get any money out of it. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be enjoying your brand new smartphone's phone sex app if we it weren't for Capitalism. Capitalism gives us a goal, something to strive for, something to achieve. Sure Socialism might help people from being homeless, but we would all be border line poverty. Not to mention under Socialism i'm not going to go bust my ass 80 hours a week updating computer software if I get the same money delivering 5 pizzas a day.

In the movie he critisizes the treasury giving all of the banks $700billion back in 2008, the biggest socialistic move in the history of the United States of America. Why was it wrong in his eyes for the government to give all this money away? Because it would potentially fix the capitalistic system, and keep us from starving to death.

Just watching the movie wasn't enough to make me want to write about it though. It wasn't until I went to this popular new site, Celebritynetworth.com, and looked up Michael Moore that I truly got mad.

THIS ASSHOLE IS WORTH $25,000,000!!!!!

That's right the guy going around telling everyone we need a system where you take everyones money put it in a big pile and distribute it evenly is HOARDING ALL THE MONEY. How much of that money has he taken to try and fix poverty?? Not a fucking penny.

Rather than taking his money and trying to fix the problem that he believes exists. This man is making millions from selling you his bullshit ideas. I'm going to help him start distributing his money back out by sending him an email demanding my money back from his movie (Although I saw it for free on netflix, but he never has to know that)

I'll let you know if he responds

The Octagon

Many people know what I'm referring to by "The Octagon"

Last year I didn't know a whole lot of people in the gay community, but I amazingly knew all of the main stream guys. The main stream guys here in Newnan tend to be the ones who will add anyone that they even hear might be gay, they are known by every single gay guy within 100 miles, and are also the most flamboyant. As I began meeting more and more of these "Main Stream" guys I visualized them in the Octagon I have drawn below along with the few other guys I knew last year attached.

From a distance this Octagon might look like some sort of complex chemistry diagram but it's really simple. Pretty much a solid line means that they dated and a dotted line means they only had sex. Now obviously for all of this to happen in the same year some of the lines had to be happening at the same time especially within the octagon. Not to mention some of the dotted and even a few of the solid lines happened more than one time.

Now that I know more guys if I tried to recreate this diagram I wouldn't have a piece of paper large enough, which I find sad. Most of what was last years octagon graduated high school and is now busy clubbing in Atlanta (Specifically at Jungle, the grossest place known to man).

Please keep in mind that although I know a lot of whores there are still plenty of good innocent guys who would be out of place if I drew them anywhere near the octagon. Not to mention all the ones who aren't dating/sexing.

AP US/Euro History

I am tired of telling people why I received a 1 on my AP European History exam.

Last year almost the entire sophomore class signed up for AP Euro. We all walked in the first day scared out of our minds because it was our first AP class. The teacher spent this day telling us all about her accomplishments as an AP teacher at the local public schools and how she could promise us all 5s if we studied and did well in her class.

She also said something that proved to be true. She gave us the meaning of sophomore
"A sophomore is a wise fool, and y'all best remember that"
Now I realize why she gave us that quote. Being the naive sophomores we were all fools to believe her. Not a single person passed that exam. The highest score in the entire class was a 2 the average was probably somewhere around 1.2-1.3.

This teacher is a very unique woman. She reminds me of John McCain/Eric Cartman every single time I see her. Now understand I'm not calling her stupid or anything like that she knows history, but she never taught any of it to us.

(I actually drew this picture while she was lecturing)



The first quarter of her class was spent informing us of how difficult the class was going to be, how the AP exam works, and about her invisible wall. Yes you read that correctly "Her invisible wall". Like a mime she looks for an invisible wall to lean on.. how this works, I have no clue.

When it actually came to teaching she would start by teaching a little bit of history... then go into her life story. Most of her stories revolve around her friend, lover, and soul mate, Garth. Garth is a dog and I know more about him than any breathing human being would ever want to.

One day I shit you not she said this,

"Now as colonies we had two options, and it's what's known as you better know em. We could do something, or we could not do something." ...not kidding

That's how she would teach when she was composed.

Now when she got upset, and just about any random squeak from the dry erase board could do it, she would become furious. This was when the image in my mind would switch from John McCain to Eric Cartman. It was normally sparked from questions like "How are we going to pass the exam if we are only 1/4th of the way through the material" or "Why do I HAVE to take notes if your talking about football"

Here is a better view of her face when pissed.

Now obviously we started to catch on that we weren't learning enough when it got to be about February and we were only 40 pages into our 2000 page text book. She continued to motivate us that we were prepared but then exam day came along.

On the college board AP euro exam there are 80 multiple choice questions. It was amazing how half our class was done in 10-15 minutes. We must have been really smart because that's like 7 seconds per question, oh wait, we all made 1s.

After the multiple choice came the DBQ. Understand that during an AP exam there are all these strict rules like if you talk or make any noise everyone's exam score gets canceled (Although that probably would have been a better excuse for everyone failing.). I think our proctor was somewhat sympathetic because as soon as we looked at our DBQ there were multiple whispers of "Oh hell" and "What the fuck.." heard across the room along with a couple of moans.

But we got the test over with. Sad thing was some people actually thought that they did well on it. I feel bad for them at least when I got my big packet in the mail from Collegeboard.com I knew what it was going to say before I opened it.

All exam stuff aside, it wasn't that bad. Actually it was, but we all got averages of 101-109 in the class so who cares.

Now you know why I received a 1 on my AP European History exam.

Long Distance Relationships

So far my posts have been generally negative so I'll start on a positive note before I begin bashing the topic.
Long distance relationships can work. They do all the time. One of my friends is in one and she has been for a long time. It works for one simple reason: They love each other.

Now for the rest of my opinion

You don't fall in love over the Internet.

"Oh you have a boyfriend?" "Yes I do, he's soo hot" "Really? That's awesome, I should meet him" "Oh he umm kinda lives in Oregon." "Are you fucking kidding me?"

You have never actually met this person?? Ever....

How are you supposed to know that your boyfriend isn't some buffalo who is Internet stalking you?

Which brings me to Internet meets. People actually do this and I don't know why... they meet people who live hours and hours away that they only know through the Internet. For all they know their "Hot boyfriend" could some 50 year old woman.

Now I know one person who does this all the time. I don't know why they have dated multiple people here in Newnan, but they insist on going out of their way to meet up with people all over the state.

I have already predicted this kids future. He will be 19 sitting at his computer, and a message will come up that will read
"Hey we should hang out I only live like two towns over my profile says I'm 18 but I'm really 15."
He will agree and quickly make his way to the hotel where he will get out and notice about 5-8 identical black Lincoln navigators with tinted windows, but won't think anything of it.
After making his way to the third floor and room 314 he will encounter a swarm of armed FBI agents.
Like so

All because he had to hang out with every single person in the world whether they live 2 minutes or 30 minutes away. That and because he is probably a pedophile.

Mary

Mary is the very special person above on the left  who is still using a disposable camera in 2011. I feel like you should probably know who she is since I will more than likely be making many references to her in my blog. She lives with us and is paid to pretty much be my moms friend. Some of the stuff she says and does takes stupidity to a whole new level. That's about all I know about her because I can't understand her when she talks. I'm sure if you follow my blog you will be hearing plenty about her.

Homeless Kid

A few months ago this kid added me on Facebook. He was 18 years old and I had no clue who he was but I added him to see what he wanted. When I accepted he told me that he was gay in which case I went straight to his pictures saw that he was a whale and stopped talking to him. I assumed that that would be that last time I would ever hear from him. I assumed wrong...

I am one of those really stupid people who decides to put their phone number on their Facebook, because you know someone might call me and offer me $1,000,000 or something. Not to mention prank calls are hilarious.

So this kid/guy/thing got my phone number off of Facebook. It was about 10:30 on a Thursday night and I had school the next day. My phone starts ringing, the caller ID reads Wallmart. I pick up:

"JOHHHNNN??! JOOHHHNN?!?!?!"
I held the phone away from my ear and responded
"Ummm yes? This is John, may I help you?"
"Hey it's Cody (When he said this I had no clue who he was still) I just got kicked out of my apartment and have no where to stay. Can you drive me to a church or homeless shelter"
At this point he was crying.

As much as I did not want to say yes there was no way I was going to leave this crying person at Wallmart. So I went downstairs lied to my parents and got in my truck. Now while I was driving there it hit me that I still didn't really know who it was that called me for all I know this kid could be an axe murderer. I thought several times about turning around and going home, but his crying seemed legit and my conscience wouldn't let me.

I arrived at the entrance of his apartment complex (Just so happened to be the same one where my ex best friends mom used to live) and quickly recognized the whale. Then entire way to the church he asked me if I wanted my tarot read over and over again. After telling him multiple no I finally had to give in just to get him to shut up. He pulled a massive deck of cards out of his XXXXL cargo pants and proceeded to place them in rows all over the interior of my truck.

After doing all of this he flipped only one over and gasped in panic. "Oh no.. you got the Satan card, your past sex experiences are going to come back to haunt you!"
Although I don't have any past sex experiences I played along
"Ohhhh God no, how accurate are these cards?"
(Keep in mind tarot cards are like horoscopes or fortune cookies, they say small phrases that normally could apply to any ones life)
He responded with "They tell the future they're never wrong, never have been before."
I took one eye off the road to look over and see if he was serious and when I realized he was it was all I could do to keep from busting out laughing.
We finally arrived at the church, I dropped him off, said good night, and never looked back.

The next day at school I was unbelievably excited to tell my friends about the previous night. I told a few of them and started to get the impression that no one believed me. Then I thought about it and didn't blame them. If I came running up to me and described this kid there would be no one I would believe me either. So I just let it die off and didn't worry about.

It was maybe a week or two later and my friend, Hannah, and I went to chick-fil-a one day after swim practice.

I had told her all about homeless kid and how ridiculous he was and what he looked like but none of that could prepare her for what she was about to witness. While stuffing my face full of sauce covered chicken nuggets I saw an awkwardly shaped person walking in the bushes outside. This person looked somewhat like Mr. Potato with man boobs. He was wearing checkered pants right around the middle of his thigh, a massive t-shit that had all kinds of ghetto graffiti printed on it, and now had... pink hair.

Now so that you know what he actually looks like I will insert a picture from his Facebook.

Ridiculous?.. I think so.

Now that you have an even more vivid picture in your head I can continue my story.
I quickly cut Hannah off in her conversation and told her to duck that homeless kid was about to walk in.
She looked over and saw him standing in the doorway and was immediately laughing so hard that she could not breath.
This was not good because it caught his attention. He started walking our way
He stood right next to our table and began telling us that he thought he saw me and all about how he stole his hat.
He continued to talk while I tried to eat and Hannah laughed
Finally he mentioned something about not getting a job. I quickly saw Cracker Barrel through the window and exclaimed.
"OHHHHH cracker barrel is desperate for people you should try there, better hurry though they close in like 10 minutes!" (It was 5:10 at the time)
Next thing we knew he was bolting out of Chick-fil-a, waddling through the bushes again, and into cracker barrel. Hannah texted everything he said to her boyfriend and we left before he got the chance to get back.

This was once again the last time I thought I would ever see him but I was once again proven wrong about 10 minutes later.

I was driving home stuck in traffic, and looked ahead about 5 cars. There was something that looked like a whale with the momentum of an elephant charging through traffic. Traffic was stopped so it was no big deal but the next thing I knew he kept running. Through the median and right onto the other side of traffic... where it was not stopped.

Here I'll draw you a picture.

Cars were swerving left and right to avoid hitting him. He actually made it to the other side of the street, and dove into a ditch seconds before being flattened then got up and looked both ways before continuing on.
All I could think while laughing to myself was. "Why the fuck didn't he look both ways before"

This is the story of Homeless Kid, and it's one of the many bizarre stories of my life.

A love/hate relationship. Mostly hate

I found some inspiration! Woo!

This is the good kind of inspiration too. Not like my usual kind where I watch Jackass 3D then get inspired to throw my midget friend into a pile of cacti.

If I had a midget friend I would Cherish our friendship. The members of jackass don't know how lucky they are to have midgets at their disposal.

ANYWAYS. My inspiration is me. I was reading back over my first poorly edited post from like 5 minutes ago and realized something. Not everyone understands why the state of Georgia is so awful, or if you didn't catch my sarcasm why it's a nice place. Well I feel that I should explain.

Georgia has been a wonderful place since day one. What my deep south education has taught me so far is that Georgia was started as a buffer colony, or to put it in non-classroom terms: A state where they sent all the retards and drunks in hopes of keeping the Spanish from traveling through it and taking over the colonies.

Now you're probably thinking what I was at first "That was in like the 1700s why does that still affect us?" surely by now we would have caught up with the other states.
Well thanks to the wonders of modern day science we have learned that 300 years of incest will destroy any theory.

But how bad is it?

Have you ever heard Sarah Palin try to talk without a pre-written speech? Now imagine her drunk, with a ridiculous neon orange hat, a camo jacket, inside a sports bar. Multiply that by 10 and you know just how bad Georgia is. Your average Georgian male finds it necessary to wear hunting attire EVERYWHERE because there might be a deer in Taco Mac and if that's the case they need to blend in with the bush and sneak up on it. Well at least that's the most logical theory I have come up with so far for wearing camo indoors.

Of course this is nothing more than a stereotype but it's a very very common stereotype here in Georgia. Other characteristics of the Georgian stereotype include:
-Being a Bigot
-Being obsessed with cars that that drive around in circles and are covered in stickers
-Wasting money on the value of your truck by putting lift kits and other ridiculous things on them
-Enjoying mud of all forms
-Divorce
-Illegitimate children
-Not being able to read
-Owning overalls
-More Divorce
-Becoming more stupid when upset
-Use and over use of the word Ain't
-Use of double, triple, quintuple negatives (Hey'der Billy Joe ain't you got no tractor in your shed ain't ya?)
-Becoming obsessed with football teams they will never have any part of
-Becoming obsessed with colleges they will never attend
-Believing in Bigfoot
-Denial of being the worst state

Now these stereotypical rednecks don't roam around all of Georgia. Although they claim the majority there is one place they don't dare step foot. In the center of all this illiterate chaos lies the capital of the redneck opposite. Atlanta, Ga the global capital ghetto. The only place where it is very likely that you can and will get stabbed in the throat if you are carrying more than $10 on you.

So Georgia is the state of opportunity.
You are given two
-Go live in the woods with a bunch of deranged rednecks equip with riffles
-Go live in Atlanta and live everyday like it's your last because it probably is

You're probably thinking to yourself why live here?

Simple. Shitty economic area = cheap stuff.

It's like people who save up a little bit of money then go to Mexico to live rich. Only difference is in Mexico they have a name for there language. Here in Georgia the rednecks don't.

Well the more I type the more this post is losing it's point. If you don't live in Georgia I hope you learned a little something and never want to come visit.

I would apologize to any rednecks that I might of offended but it's not like they would be able to read this anyways.

The Meaning of our Existance

So.......... I honestly have no idea what I'm doing or why I'm doing it.

It's somewhere around 2am (The digital clock gets fuzzier as I get sleepier) and I have decided to start this blog.
-I don't know how to blog
-I don't know what I'm going to do with a blog
-I don't know who is going to want to waste half of their lives reading my blog
BUT! After spending the past 3 hours enjoying "Hyperbole and a Half" I am absolutely inspired to make a blog of some sort.

I can make no promises as to what direction I will take this blog

After a spending a long time thinking I finally found a title for my blog that would give me the freedom to do what ever I want with it.

What I do with it might include any of the following:
I might delete it tomorrow
I might use it to dump my heart and soul into and vent to the world (Unlikely)
I might use it to re post stuff I find funny or perhaps write some mediocre stuff of my own
I might post a different fall out boy lyric everyday
I might be so tired right now that I don't remember any of this in the morning
I might write about my past, present, and future love life
I might fall in love and dedicate this blog to that person
I might actually think of something clever to do with this blog

It could be any of those, but you should note. I don't like paragraphs as I'm sure you can tell by now. Also I'm not a formal romantic writer. I'm an eleventh grade student in the highly academic state of Georgia. So basically if you're looking for clever diction, long thought out metaphors, or poetry of any kind you might want to look else where. Not saying I won't try to sound like I wasn't raised in the state where the word of the week has been "ain't" for the past 400 years, but don't expect perfection.
This blog will be casual, it might be controversial, and it will be my voice. I will not censor myself.

On that note. Good Night, and I look forward to posting (I think).