Homeless Kid

A few months ago this kid added me on Facebook. He was 18 years old and I had no clue who he was but I added him to see what he wanted. When I accepted he told me that he was gay in which case I went straight to his pictures saw that he was a whale and stopped talking to him. I assumed that that would be that last time I would ever hear from him. I assumed wrong...

I am one of those really stupid people who decides to put their phone number on their Facebook, because you know someone might call me and offer me $1,000,000 or something. Not to mention prank calls are hilarious.

So this kid/guy/thing got my phone number off of Facebook. It was about 10:30 on a Thursday night and I had school the next day. My phone starts ringing, the caller ID reads Wallmart. I pick up:

"JOHHHNNN??! JOOHHHNN?!?!?!"
I held the phone away from my ear and responded
"Ummm yes? This is John, may I help you?"
"Hey it's Cody (When he said this I had no clue who he was still) I just got kicked out of my apartment and have no where to stay. Can you drive me to a church or homeless shelter"
At this point he was crying.

As much as I did not want to say yes there was no way I was going to leave this crying person at Wallmart. So I went downstairs lied to my parents and got in my truck. Now while I was driving there it hit me that I still didn't really know who it was that called me for all I know this kid could be an axe murderer. I thought several times about turning around and going home, but his crying seemed legit and my conscience wouldn't let me.

I arrived at the entrance of his apartment complex (Just so happened to be the same one where my ex best friends mom used to live) and quickly recognized the whale. Then entire way to the church he asked me if I wanted my tarot read over and over again. After telling him multiple no I finally had to give in just to get him to shut up. He pulled a massive deck of cards out of his XXXXL cargo pants and proceeded to place them in rows all over the interior of my truck.

After doing all of this he flipped only one over and gasped in panic. "Oh no.. you got the Satan card, your past sex experiences are going to come back to haunt you!"
Although I don't have any past sex experiences I played along
"Ohhhh God no, how accurate are these cards?"
(Keep in mind tarot cards are like horoscopes or fortune cookies, they say small phrases that normally could apply to any ones life)
He responded with "They tell the future they're never wrong, never have been before."
I took one eye off the road to look over and see if he was serious and when I realized he was it was all I could do to keep from busting out laughing.
We finally arrived at the church, I dropped him off, said good night, and never looked back.

The next day at school I was unbelievably excited to tell my friends about the previous night. I told a few of them and started to get the impression that no one believed me. Then I thought about it and didn't blame them. If I came running up to me and described this kid there would be no one I would believe me either. So I just let it die off and didn't worry about.

It was maybe a week or two later and my friend, Hannah, and I went to chick-fil-a one day after swim practice.

I had told her all about homeless kid and how ridiculous he was and what he looked like but none of that could prepare her for what she was about to witness. While stuffing my face full of sauce covered chicken nuggets I saw an awkwardly shaped person walking in the bushes outside. This person looked somewhat like Mr. Potato with man boobs. He was wearing checkered pants right around the middle of his thigh, a massive t-shit that had all kinds of ghetto graffiti printed on it, and now had... pink hair.

Now so that you know what he actually looks like I will insert a picture from his Facebook.

Ridiculous?.. I think so.

Now that you have an even more vivid picture in your head I can continue my story.
I quickly cut Hannah off in her conversation and told her to duck that homeless kid was about to walk in.
She looked over and saw him standing in the doorway and was immediately laughing so hard that she could not breath.
This was not good because it caught his attention. He started walking our way
He stood right next to our table and began telling us that he thought he saw me and all about how he stole his hat.
He continued to talk while I tried to eat and Hannah laughed
Finally he mentioned something about not getting a job. I quickly saw Cracker Barrel through the window and exclaimed.
"OHHHHH cracker barrel is desperate for people you should try there, better hurry though they close in like 10 minutes!" (It was 5:10 at the time)
Next thing we knew he was bolting out of Chick-fil-a, waddling through the bushes again, and into cracker barrel. Hannah texted everything he said to her boyfriend and we left before he got the chance to get back.

This was once again the last time I thought I would ever see him but I was once again proven wrong about 10 minutes later.

I was driving home stuck in traffic, and looked ahead about 5 cars. There was something that looked like a whale with the momentum of an elephant charging through traffic. Traffic was stopped so it was no big deal but the next thing I knew he kept running. Through the median and right onto the other side of traffic... where it was not stopped.

Here I'll draw you a picture.

Cars were swerving left and right to avoid hitting him. He actually made it to the other side of the street, and dove into a ditch seconds before being flattened then got up and looked both ways before continuing on.
All I could think while laughing to myself was. "Why the fuck didn't he look both ways before"

This is the story of Homeless Kid, and it's one of the many bizarre stories of my life.